Together Alone
by Candi Cox
Summary: Dammit, Remus, I can’t live without you. I thought you knew that by now! See this? She gestured to her limp brown hair. I lost my powers because of you. I lost everything. A RLNT romance story. Like you've never seen one of those before...
1. Snowflakes

There were snowflakes everywhere, whirling around in a pattern impossible to follow. Sort of like life itself, she supposed. One minute the snowflake was about to fly away and the next, it was piled on the ground, melting and deforming until they were all one generic blob. That was how Tonks felt now. She stamped her boot down on the virgin snow so that the surface was marred with the round contours.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the snowflakes. Then realizing how absurd she sounded, she simply collapsed down into the snow and cried. Tears turned to ice and the icy blue sky turned inky black before she looked up.

It was the first day of winter. Usually at this time, she would be curled up on the couch with tea or hot cocoa, watching the snow fall. She would give anything to be in the arms of who she loved right now. Tonks had come to realize that she wasn't meant to be single anymore. She pushed back a lock of mousy brown hair and sighed. Sighing was something she did a lot lately. Sighing and dreaming. And working, of course.

A snowflake landed on her scarf. Devoid of emotion, she watched it melt and found a perverse pleasure in watching something so small and helpless die. Now she felt like a monster.

His words rang through her ears. They hadn't spoken in a month but she still remembered his exact words. _"We can't be together, Nymphadora. The stars have spun us off into different paths. You are better off without me." She had responded, "What if the stars have spun us on the same path, you just haven't realized it?" He had gotten serious, looked her in the eye. "The stars may define your path, but the moon defines mine."_

"Fuck you!" she yelled to the moon that hung over her head. Another sob rose to her throat and she did nothing to subdue it.

A hand reached for her shivering body, wrapping it in warmth. Tonks looked up. There he was, graying and worn, holding her and making everything feel okay again.

"Oh, baby," he murmured. "You're freezing. Come on, let's go home."

He picked her up and Apparated them both back to her flat. Tonks was still frozen. Her teeth chattered and she was shivering uncontrollably. She was immobile from the cold. Realizing this, Lupin calmly began to undress her. He conjured up steaming water in her bathtub and helped her inside.

When Tonks had thawed out, she wrapped a towel around her body and went out to the living room. Lupin was there, drinking a cup of tea. He gestured to the mug next to him.

"Let me go put some clothing on," Tonks said.

"Good idea," said Lupin, ever the gentleman. "I'll make sure your tea stays warm."

Tonks returned to her bedroom and pulled on her fluffy white bathrobe. A few seconds later, she was back in the kitchen.

"So pray tell, why were you sitting alone in a snow bank yelling obscenities to nobody when I found you?" Lupin asked.

Tonks blushed. "You really want to know?"

"Yeah, I would."

"Because I missed you." There, she had said it. Not like he didn't already know.

"And sitting in a snow bank helped with that?"

"No! Don't you get it? I was in a snow bank because I didn't have the strength to go on any further. Dammit, Remus, I can't live without you. I thought you knew that by now! See this?" She gestured to her limp brown hair. "I lost my powers because of you. I lost everything. There's no point in going on anymore. I wish you had let me freeze and then I wouldn't feel anything anymore!"

Crying again, Tonks stood up. Before she could go any further, Lupin grabbed her hand.

"Let go of me!" she spat.

"No. Not until you listen to me."

Realizing how futile her struggle was, Tonks sat back down.

"There's a part of me that wants to listen to you, to just sit down and watch the snow fall and hold you in my arms. But I can't. The bigger part- the intelligent part- knows that it wouldn't work out. There's no way. In a week or a month, you'd regret it and want to leave. I can't do that to you, and I can't go through the pain of losing you."

"You're losing me right now. Without you, I die. Can't you see that? I've become a shadow of who I once was. One day, hopefully soon, I'll die and then you will go through that pain anyway. Only this time, you'll feel regret, too, because you could have saved us both."

"You don't mean that. You can get over me and move on. Lord knows you deserve that."

"I don't want to move on. I just want to fucking die."

This time, when she ran to her room, Lupin didn't stop her. Sighing, he returned their mugs to the sink, grabbed his cloak and left. Sighing was something he did a lot lately. Sighing, and working. Sometimes dreaming, as much as he tried not to. Presently Lupin came to a clearing. He collapsed onto the bench and stared into the distance. It was snowing. He watched the flurries fly in all directions, sometimes sticking to each other and sometimes not. There was hypnotic allure in doing nothing but snow watching. He wondered if, half a mile away, it was snowing by Tonks's window. Shaking snowflakes out of his graying brown hair, Lupin tried to clear his thoughts. Today they proved to be impossible to clear. A certain pink-haired witch could do that to him. Well, not pink haired anymore, he corrected himself. He had taken the pink hair away the day he stole her heart.

With nothing better to do, Tonks got dressed and went outside. She wandered around the deserted streets, looking enviously through brightly lit windows. Sometimes, she saw the outline of two silhouettes, presumably huddled together and watching the snow fall. What she would give to not be alone anymore. The black of night contrasted against her pale, exhausted features as she collapsed down onto a nearby bench and sobbed into her hands.

Had either been in a reasonable state of mind, they would have known the other one was sitting less than a hundred feet away. One might have even gone to comfort the other. As it was, they sat there, together and alone, hands in faces, and watched the snow fall.

**Probably I will make this into a full-fledged story, because as we all know, I'm a sucker for RLNT fics. Hope you all enjoyed it, review and stuff if it's worth your while to do so. And keep checking back for updates (hopefully to come soon) **


	2. Wilting Flowers

**A/N: So I've decided that this will be a full out RLNT romance fic. As I was planning it out in Bio today, I realized that it will probably be pretty disturbing. If you've read my pride and joy, For Love and War, you will see that the portrayals of these characters is quite different. Takes place starting in winter of Half-Blood Prince. This fic will probably be quite angsty, but there is going to be some real drama which you will either hate or love me for. But I won't give any of it away. Hope you enjoy it!**

"Dear, you know how Remus is. He's made his limits clear and the best thing you can do is move on."

"Don't you see? I can't just move on from him."

"You say that now," Mrs. Weasley said, "But I'm sure you'll laugh about it in awhile. What about Charlie? Or what's his name, that boy you used to go out with?"

"Wait, you mean that kid I went out with in 7th year?"

"Yes, you and Bill were talking about him once."

"It didn't last. And Charlie will never be more than a friend to me, Molly, I'm sorry. There's only one man I love."

Tonks drained her mug, and slammed it down onto the table. It cracked with the force of her emotions.

"Reparo," she muttered.

Mrs. Weasley laughed. "There you go, dear, acting like your old self again."

"Isn't there a bit more to me than breaking things?"

"Why, yes, I never meant to imply that there wasn't."

"But you just did."

"No, I didn't."

"Is that what I am? Just some stupid, happy-go-lucky, immature klutz who everyone expects to provide comic relief?"

"Tonks, maybe if you weren't so keen to fly off the handle, you'd listen to me. This infatuation will pass. They always do."

"You're treating me like I'm 14 and in love with Gilderoy Lockhart's picture. Come on, Molly, I don't need the belittling."

"I'm not trying to belittle you. All I'm saying is that you may think you love Remus but you don't know for sure."

Tonks tried to calm down. "Fine," she said in what she hoped was a calm voice. "What is love, then?"

"Love is being together for over two decades and raising seven children together. Knowing that you would die for the other person. Can you really say that about what you feel for Remus?"

"I don't want seven kids. But yes, if I had the choice, I would spend the rest of my life with him. I'd do anything for him."

"You two are friends. Co-workers. You've faced some dangerous situations together. In dark times like these, people often look for companionship and make hasty decisions."

"I seem to recall that you and Arthur were married in the last war."

"Arthur and I have a mutual love, not a one-sided, obviously unreturned infatuation. It's different."

"Yes but what I feel for Remus isn't any less powerful."

Mrs. Weasley sighed. "Why don't you tell me how you feel then. At the very least, it will do you good to talk to someone about it."

"Whenever I see him, and know that I'll never be good enough for him, it makes me want to change myself or die. I find myself picturing us fifty years from now, together, and I honestly can picture it. I love him, Molly, I swear I do. I know what love is. And right now, when he's not with me, I want to die. I'd rather die than not have him. I was happy being single until I met him and now I think that being alone is worse than being dead."

"You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do," she spat. "Because without him, I'm dead anyway."

"You're not dead. And you're not going to die. There's plenty to live for."

"Like what? Name one thing."

"Harry? And all the others fighting this war?"

"Who cares? They don't need me. They'll find someone else. And I don't care anymore. Voldemort can win."

Mrs. Weasley slapped her across the face, hard. "You don't mean that. And if you ever say that again, I swear, I will..."

She never got a chance to finish because Tonks had stood up, crashing into the table and uttering an impressive stream of curses. Tears threatened to break through, though Tonks tried desperately to suppress them. The old Tonks would have just laughed it off. This new one was a shell of her former self: fragile, lifeless, and seemingly about to shatter.

Still fighting back tears, Tonks ran upstairs. Sirius's old bedroom was the only place that she knew would be empty. Not knowing what else to do, she ran inside and collapsed on the bed.

"Tonks?"

She looked up. Harry was examining the pictures on Sirius's wall. In her hysteria she hadn't noticed him.

"Harry? Wh-what are you doing here?"

"I was just going to ask the same about you. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine."

Harry gave her a look, one that reminded her of her mother. It said "Everything's not okay, so just spill it."

"Just...you know. Stress and stuff."

"Is that it?"

"Yeah. Now what were you doing here before I interrupted you?"

"Looking at his pictures. Just, you know. I miss him."

"Yeah, I know. So do I. When I was just a kid, he would come visit me and my mum sometimes. Occasionally he'd bring..." she couldn't bring herself to say Remus's name, "...his friends. I hadn't seen him in a long time when we met last summer. It was so amazing getting to know each other again and stuff. It's not fair. He was too young."

"I guess it just shows that we never really know how long we have left. Isn't that right, Tonks?"

"Yeah," she attempted a smile. "That's right. Well, I should be going anyway. I'll see you around, Harry, and I'm sorry for interrupting you."

"It's all right," he said. "I'll see you soon. Are you still coming over for Christmas?"

"Yeah, of course. Wouldn't miss it for the world."

Tonks headed downstairs and out of number 12, Grimmauld Place. Ignoring Mrs. Weasley's calls, she Apparated back to her flat. Today, Tonks was in no mood to hear Mrs. Weasley patronizing her. She knew she was in love with Lupin. Who was Mrs. Weasley to judge her emotions? Limp, brown hair and a pale, wan face stared at the mirror in front of her. If that wasn't proof of the intensity of her emotions, Tonks had no idea what was. When she said she died without Lupin, it was true. She was a flower, and he was her sun and water. Without his nurturing, or at least without hope that he would eventually come around, she was beginning to shrivel and blacken. It was only a matter of time until there was nothing left.


	3. The Mask

**A/N: Yeah, I realize that Christmas wasn't done like this in the book. I disregard canon a lot in my stories, if you haven't noticed, so you can get used to it ******

Unable to sleep, Tonks rose early on Christmas. Normally, she went to her parents' and often brought along an entourage of friends to celebrate together. This year, she felt no motivation to see anyone. The Weasleys' Christmas party wasn't until the afternoon. A few good hours remained before she would be forced to put on a smile and pretend like everything was okay. That was the only way. She didn't need anyone's patronizing or pity. If she couldn't truly be happy, she could at least pretend. It wouldn't be fair to spoil Christmas for everyone, either.

Several hours were devoted to drifting. Drifting to the stove, before remembering that she wasn't hungry. Drifting to her book case, before remembering that she'd read everything. Drifting to her bed before remembering that she couldn't sleep. By quarter to two, she decided to get ready for the party. Tonks didn't kid herself into believing that she could morph. Instead, she used a few spells to give herself bright pink hair again. When she was bathed, dressed, and somewhat refreshed-looking, she Apparated to the Burrow.

Lupin gasped when he saw her. Away from her line of vision, he could clearly observe how much she had truly changed. Not like he had been _looking_ for her or anything. He just happened to be standing in a certain corner behind a large Christmas tree. Alone. Nervously adjusting his clothes. Seeing her now made him split. Half wanted to run to her and hold her in his arms and make everything all right again. The other half wanted to keep hiding. In the end, he compromised: moved to a more visible spot, but didn't approach her.

Tonks was a fairly good actor- better than most would give her credit for. She kept her pasted smile for the whole evening, coolly sidestepped the requests to change her appearance, and conversed with almost everyone. It looked like even Mrs. Weasley was fooled. The pink hair had certainly helped. Why hadn't she thought of dying it before?

Hours later, when the food was gone and conversation had reached a lull, Lupin noticed people beginning to leave. Grateful that he could now leave without being rude, he went to get his cloak. It was in one of the bedrooms. When he opened the door, he almost shut it again. A shock of pink hair was enough to make him want to creak the door shut. She had seen him. It was too late. Leaving now would make him a coward.

"Evening," he said cordially.

"Hi," Tonks muttered back.

"Leaving, too?"

"Yes."

"Did you have a nice time?"

"Yes."

"Really? You look exhausted and depressed. Is everything okay?"

How could he say that with a straight face? As if he didn't know that everything was his fault. God, he could be ignorant sometimes.

"Oh, yes," she said sarcastically. "I absolutely love being rejected…again…and then being told by everyone else that my feelings aren't real. _Oh, it's just lust, you'll get over it._ Well, guess what? It's not lust. It's not infatuation or any of the countless petty and trivial ways used to describe the way people feel."

"Jesus Christ. All I did was ask a question. You don't need to fly off the handle."

"You know what? I think it's about time someone flew off the handle at you. You can't just expect me to pretend like everything's all right. Maybe you are lucky enough; you have no emotions and can't feel anything. But we're not all like you, Remus Lupin, and some of us are capable of being hurt."

Their voices had risen to near hysteria, easily loud enough to be heard by the remaining crowd.

"You say I'm not capable of being hurt? That's bullshit, Nymphadora. Absolute bullshit. You know it's bullshit. I feel as much as you do. Maybe I just hide it better."

"Go on then," she said, slightly calmer. "Tell me how you really feel."

Lupin hesitated. He was unwilling to make things worse by telling her how he felt. It wasn't fair to either of them.

"See?" Tonks yelled again. "You keep everyone at a distance. You don't let anyone in, and you expect us all to keep you at a distance too. Well guess what? Maybe someone wants to break that wall but you won't even let anyone try. You say you're too poor, too old for me. But you're not. It's a lie. Really, you just don't want to let me in. Fine. That's how you want it? Fine. I'm leaving anyway."

Making a huge effort not to look at Lupin again, Tonks picked up her cloak and strode out of the room. For once, she managed to not trip on her way out. Only then did she realize how the whole party was silent, apparently just listening to their exchange. She swore under her breath before attempting a smile again. It would be hard covering that argument up.

Lupin had always liked the room he was staying at in the Order's headquarters. It was small, tidy, simple. No space was wasted on frivolous artifacts he didn't need. Dim, cheerful lamps bathed the room in a warm glow. His meager belongings were stacked neatly in drawers or shelves. Yes, it was a suitable room. Tonight, as he came home, all he could think was how lonely it looked. The room reminded him of himself, though he had never made the connection before. It was cheerful and inviting, but if one stepped inside, they would see that everything of importance was set away. That was Remus Lupin. Right now, all he could think of was Tonks. She'd hurt him, more than she could possibly imagine. He would be justified in never seeing her again. But then, a small voice said, didn't you hurt her first? Shaking his head, trying to clear his thoughts, Lupin concentrated on tidying up the already meticulous room. He couldn't get away with never seeing Tonks again. That much was obvious. They would still attend the same Order meetings, had many of the same friends. The Wizarding community was small enough that they were bound to bump into each other sometime. For a moment, he thought about what it would be like if he allowed his emotions to rule him. Then sharp reality brought him back.

How could he do that to her? He didn't love her. Fine. That much was clear to Tonks. She couldn't force him to return her feelings. If he left her alone, she could at least begin picking up the pieces. But no. He picked at her like a bothersome scab. The thing with scabs, though, was that if the layer was ripped too many times, a scar would form and the skin would never be whole again. As she undressed, Tonks thought of ways to never see him again. In the end, short of suicide, she couldn't think of any. Even in her current, half-crazed state, she wasn't ready to commit suicide.

She flipped off the light and tried to sleep. Fifteen minutes later and a hundred miles away, Lupin did the same. It was hours before either fell asleep.


	4. Disassociation

**God sorry it's taken me so long to add stuff. I just haven't been in a fanfiction mood. I know, that's no excuse, but whatever. I decided to skip the chapters of fluff I had originally planned, so now the story is condensed to be half as long as I was originally planning but starting in this chapter there will be some actual action bits- kinda...**

"Now," Dumbledore had said to her, "All we need to do is find someone to go to Knockturn Alley to check things out. Everyone else is on duty elsewhere that night, Nymphadora. Would you mind doing it?"

Too busy staring at Lupin's back and wondering about the scars concealed beneath his robes, Tonks didn't hear Dumbledore. Only when Hestia Jones gently prodded her side did she look up.

"What? Oh...sorry, sir. What was that?"

Was it her imagination, or had Dumbledore's eyes flicked from Lupin's face to her own, and back again? "I was saying that if you're not doing anything tomorrow night, we'd like you to go to Knockturn Alley and see if anything is amiss at Borgin and Burkes. Can you do that?"

"Yeah. I will."

That had been several hours ago. Now, she walked the nearly desolate streets of Knockturn Alley. It had been a while since she'd been there- everything she needed had always been in Diagon Alley. Only the patent Black courage and her own sense of duty kept her from Apparating home. Borgin and Burkes…why hadn't she ever thought to ask Dumbledore where it was? Part of her knew that she was being foolish, that being lost in Knockturn Alley wasn't a good idea. The other, stubborn, proud part was determined to find it.

"Lost?" a man asked, walking up beside her.

"No."

"You look lost."

He didn't look dangerous. Close up, he was about her age or maybe a little younger. Blonde hair fell over his face in a way that looked intentional rather than messy. His features were strong and handsome. But it was his eyes that drew her. They were green and mysterious. Intuition told her that he could help her.

"Okay," she admitted. "I am lost. I need to find Borgin and Burkes. Can you help me?"

"Sure," he said. "I work there, actually. Not exactly my top choice for jobs"- he grinned ruefully- "but I need the Galleons while I finish up Auror training."

"You're going to be an Auror?" she asked as they began to walk in the direction she had just come from.

"Yeah. I hope, at least. They only take the best."

Tonks realized that she probably shouldn't give away her identity to the man, kind as he seemed.

"That's interesting. Did you just finish up at Hogwarts, then?"

"No, I was at Durmstrang. I was born in Britain but my mum wanted me at Durmstrang. I realize I should have introduced myself," he said with a laugh. "I'm Dylan. Dylan Scotsfields."

"Nice to meet you, Dylan Scotsfields. I'm Dora. Dora…Black," she said. It was the first name she could think of.

"Are you related to Sirius, then? I haven't heard much of him in the news lately. It all died down, I guess."

"No, my dad's family name is Black. I'm a Muggleborn."

"Then you'd best be very careful around these parts, Dora Black. Well, here's Borgin and Burkes. Can you find your way home all right?" She nodded. "This is where I leave you, then."

"Thank you for bringing me here, Dylan," she said. Before either knew what was happening, she had pulled him close and kissed him full on the mouth. Desperate need filled her. Need for companionship, for security, but most of all, an overwhelming need to just for a minute forget Remus.

"Hey, there was no need to pay me for my services," Dylan said once they broke apart.

"I know. Consider it a tip."

"Would you like to grab supper or a drink somewhere?"

"I'd love to, but I can't tonight. Maybe some other time?"

"Certainly." Dylan gestured toward the run-down shop with the crooked sign out front. A skull gleamed from one of its windows. "You know where to find me."

Still tasting Dylan on her mouth, Tonks pushed open the creaky wooden door. Candles bathed the little shop in dim light and shadows. The objects appeared even creepier under the glow.

"That's her," a man's voice came from the corner. Tonks jumped. The man was wearing black robes, and she hadn't seen him in the shadows.

"Nymphadora. Come over here," said a different voice, deeper than the first.

Tonks moved farther away from the voices, and began inching toward the door. One of the men stepped to block her from the door while the other grabbed her wrist.

"You're not going anywhere."

With a great deal of effort, she held a scream down in her throat. One man took out his wand and held it to her neck.

"You do anything funny and you're dead. Is that clear?" She nodded. "Good girl. Now first, we should search her."

With a leer, the second man began to feel through her robes, pulling out money, miscellaneous knickknacks and finally her wand. His hands seemed to linger too long in certain places. Tonks forced herself to detach completely from the scene around her. She began imagining happy scenarios: sitting on a beach with Remus, soaking up the sun. She imagined she was a bird and flying away. She tried to use Legilimency to tell someone that she was in trouble. By the time the men had finished searching her, Tonks had gone limp. She didn't even notice when she was bound, gagged and blindfolded.

_Just disassociate_, she told herself. _On a beach. I'm on a beach. It's not winter. I'm not alone or being kidnapped._

The thing with reality, she decided, is that it's exactly what you make it. As long as she kept believing that she was on a beach, she was. If she hadn't been gagged, Tonks would have laughed at that stupid revelation. She was wrong, and she knew that, because if she could make things exactly the way she wanted, she wouldn't be alone right now.

She had blacked out completely when the two men shoved her in a small, dark and windowless room and shut the door.


	5. The Interrogation

"Has anyone seen Tonks?" Dumbledore asked at the Order meeting next day.

A chorus of no's filled the room. _I'll never forgive myself if something happened to her,_ Lupin thought.

"Knockturn Alley isn't always the safest place at night," Bill said. "Maybe something happened to her."

"What if the Death Eaters got her? We never should have let her go alone."

"We couldn't spare anyone. We were all on duty."

"I can find her," Lupin said. "Or at least make sure she's okay."

"Are you sure?" Arthur asked. "It might be dangerous. If the Death Eaters have her, I don't want you there alone."

"Look, if I'm in danger I'll send for someone else but we can't afford to have our whole force searching for her."

"Why don't you go right away then," Dumbledore said. "If someone got her, we can't afford to waste any time."

Tonks woke in a small, dark room. Her head hurt a little but otherwise she felt okay. As far as she could tell, there was no way out. She fumbled through her robes for her wand before remembering that the people had taken it. Last night's events came flooding back. Mostly, she felt angry with herself. Shock, fear and her emotional state had made her let her guard down. Even in those three minutes, it had cost her. "You're an Auror for God's sake," she told herself. "No more fooling around, letting yourself be stupid just because of a few men and a creepy store." She set herself to the task of learning as much about the small room as possible. Feeling around and trying not to trip, she concluded that the room was about eight by twelve feet, cement floored and probably underground. Footsteps overhead could barely be heard. The whole room smelled damp and musty. A door was on one wall, but it had no knob and attempts to pry it open only resulted in a few broken nails.

A few minutes or hours- who could be sure?- were spent in solitude and darkness before the little door creaked open. Light flooded into the room, temporarily blinding her. A masked figure in black robes, carrying a lantern and a goblet, sat down beside her.

"Have some wine," he said in a syrupy voice. "You're parched. It will make you feel better."

Years training with Mad-Eye Moody had taught her not to drink something from an unfamiliar source. "No, thank you," she said.

"Drink! Drink or I'll make you!" he drew his wand.

She picked up the goblet and pretended to drink some of the wine.

"Now you're just faking it," the masked man said. "Imperio!"

Need to drink filled every part of her body. Like a zombie, she reached for the goblet and took a sip, then another. Satisfied, the Death Eater released her from the curse. A new, more hypnotic sensation took over her mind. Luckily, Auror training had taught her to recognize it at once: Veritaserum. She almost smiled. This Death Eater was obviously an amateur. With practice, Veritaserum was easy to overthrow.

"You're part of the Order of the Phoenix," he said without preamble. It wasn't a question. "Now where is the headquarters?"

Tonks forced her voice to a monotone. "It's at the old Potter house."

"The old Potter house?"

"Yes. In Godric's Hollow."

The mask twisted, suggesting that the wearer had smiled. "Thank you. That will be all for now."

Before the man left, Tonks kicked the door until it was only opened a crack. She tackled him and held him against the hard floor. When she was sure he was out cold, she stole his wand, robes and mask. Putting them on, she left the room and shut the door. "Poor bastard," she muttered. He was probably a new recruit, trying to prove himself by questioning her alone. Anyone with common sense would have at least brought her into the open.

Another masked figure approached her. "Did you find out where it is?" he asked.

It took a minute for Tonks to realize what he was talking about. "Godric's Hollow. The old Potter place." She hoped her imitation of the man's voice was good enough. Needing a place to safely Apparate away, she stole away to an empty hallway. A closet was on her left. She opened the door and went inside, hoping that the other Death Eater would take a few more minutes to figure out that she was an imposter.

"Shit!" she shrieked, reaching for her stolen wand. The closet wasn't a closet at all, just a small room. Another masked Death Eater was inside. The other Death Eater was a bit more composed than she was- he muttered a curse and a wave of blue light caught her squarely in the chest.

When he was sure the Death Eater was knocked out, Lupin headed for the door. He had managed to bribe a man in Knockturn Alley into telling him who had taken Tonks, and had stolen some spare Death Eater robes from this room. He intended to find out her whereabouts by pretending to be a more highly-ranked Death Eater. Trouble had come when he found Lucius Malfoy in the house. He had retreated to the room to reformulate his plan. Before leaving, he decided to see which Death Eater he had stunned. He removed the mask and gasped.

"Fuck!" he muttered. The woman he had come to rescue lay before him, with possibly incurable injuries done with his own wand. The curse he'd put on her was rare and very severe. There was a good possibility that Tonks wouldn't escape unharmed if left without care for too long. Without thinking, he picked up her deadweight and Apparated them both to St. Mungo's.

When he managed to extract what had happened, the Healer immediately took Tonks into one of the wards. When Lupin moved to follow, he was sent away.

"If she lives, we'll let you know when you can come visit," the Healer said.

"If?"

"It's a very serious curse. Whoever did this to her really wanted to kill her and very near succeeded."

With that, the door was shut and Lupin was left standing alone in the sterile hallway. Eventually, he found his way down to the waiting room and sat in anxious silence, wringing his hands and playing with the fraying seams of his robes. He knew that if Tonks died, so would he. Loneliness wouldn't kill him. It would be guilt. Why hadn't he just Stunned her like anyone would have? As much as he tried to think of something else, he couldn't. All he saw was her nearly lifeless face staring back at him as he pulled the mask away.


	6. Faith

"Mr. Lupin?"

Lupin's eyes snapped back to focus. He'd been staring at the same portrait for several hours. After sending a message to Dumbledore that he'd found Tonks in serious condition and that he'd taken her to St. Mungo's, he'd returned to the waiting room and did just that: waited.

"Yes?" he said to the green-robed Healer. "Is she all right?"

"Well," he smiled grimly, "she's alive. Under the circumstances, that's the best we can expect."

"But will she be all right?"

"We hope so. It will take time, lots of time, but she's young and strong. She should make a full recovery."

Lupin exhaled the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Thank God. Can I see her now?"

"She's unconscious still, but hopefully will wake up in a few hours. I can come get you then."

"I don't care if she's unconscious. I just want to see her."

"Very well, follow me."

Lupin followed the Healer to a private ward. The room was pleasant enough. Someone had bewitched the window to show a view of a tropical ocean. It smelled sterile, as all rooms did at the hospital, but that was to be expected. When he saw Tonks, he gasped. She looked so small on the bed. For an instant, a horrible instant, he thought she was dead and that the Healer had somehow been wrong. Only when he saw her chest rise and fall, slow but definitely breathing, did his fears quell.

"I have other patients to attend to," said the Healer behind him. "Let me know if there are any changes, okay?" Lupin nodded. Pulling up a stool next to her bed, he sat down and reached for her hand.

A sob rose to his throat and, alone now, he did nothing to stop it.

"I'm sorry," he murmured to the sleeping form. "I swear I didn't mean to. But then again, I don't mean to do half the shit I end up doing. It's no excuse, is it? I know who I am, Dora. I'm a coward. That's all there is to it. I love you. I love you so much. Sometimes it threatens to kill me when I think of spending the rest of my life alone. But then, I'm also scared. I'm scared that you'll realize you made a mistake. At least this way I can be in control."

For a minute, he thought he saw her eyelids flutter but when nothing else happened, he was sure he'd imagined it.

"Remember when you said I don't feel? You were wrong there. I feel every bit as much as you do. But as years pass, you learn to mask it. I did at least. Nobody expects me to get close so I don't. I can't let emotions interfere with my duties. I think that's where you and I differ. Well, there's a lot of ways we differ but that's one of them. Wake up, baby, please wake up. I need you. I won't ever admit it to anyone, but I need you. Sometimes I wish I could just pick you up and hold you and make love to you until I die. I know you can't hear me and I know that if you could, I wouldn't be talking to you like this. I am a coward. A bloody coward. But please, darling, wake up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything."

Sobs overcame his voice until he could talk no longer. Several hours were spent on the hard wooden stool, with bones growing sore and eyes turning red with tears finally free from their hold.

Her eyelids fluttered again, but this time Lupin knew he wasn't imagining it. They stayed open, dazed and unfocused but still brilliantly blue.

"Dora?" he asked. "Are you awake?" A stupid question, but shock prevented him from being completely coherent. By "Are you awake?" he'd actually meant _thank god you're all right!_ and _I love you!_

"Yeah," she said. "How did I get here? I don't remember anything."

"The Death Eaters got you. Tried to, at least." He didn't want to elaborate on the other parts- the parts where his wand had put her in the hospital.

"Did you rescue me?"

"You did most of it yourself. But after you got hit, I brought you here."

"Thank you so much, Remus. I don't know how I can repay you."

"Just get better soon. I need you. I mean, the Order needs you."

She smiled at that. "That was pretty corny, but it's all right."

Within seconds, she had fallen asleep. As quietly as possible, Lupin snuck out of the room. He found the Healer and told him that Tonks had woken up then fallen back asleep. Then, he returned to Grimmauld Place to give updates to everyone.

When she woke, another man was sitting on the stool where Lupin had been sitting a few hours ago. His blonde hair and green eyes were familiar, one of the few things she remembered about that night.

"Dylan?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I was visiting my aunt when that man brought you in. God, Dora, what happened?"

"I…you don't want to know."

"Okay," he said, unconvinced. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No, just don't go yet, okay?"

With a knock, the Healer entered her room again. "Nymphadora Tonks," he said. "I see you're up. How are you feeling?"

"I've been better."

He laughed and began pouring some potion out of a large bottle and into a goblet before handing it to her. After he was satisfied that she had drunk it all, the Healer left Dylan and Tonks alone.

"Nymphadora Tonks? I thought you said your name was Dora Black. You lied about your name to me?" his voice didn't sound mad, exactly, just annoyed. Very annoyed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "It's just…these are dark times, Dylan. Especially in Knockturn Alley, I don't know who I can trust anymore."

"Trust me, Dora. I promise I would never do anything to hurt you."

"How do I know that? I've only met you last night."

"You don't know. You just have to have faith, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Hey, I have to get to work, but I'll come tomorrow, all right?" she nodded. Dylan stood up and left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

A few minutes later, Tonks was asleep again.


End file.
